Understanding Addiction
“Every addiction starts with pain and every addiction ends with pain”. (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of NOW, p. 127)
As our society grapples with addictions to opioids and forms of technology, we are once again being given the opportunity to re-examine and deepen our understanding of addiction. Addiction is not about weakness or morality; rather it is a subject requiring education, further progressive research and more honesty. Addiction encompasses substances like food, drugs and tobacco. It can also be any behaviors like gambling, consuming, sex, use of technology, work, exercise or constant activity. It is not the frequency or amount. Something can be thought of as an addiction when there is a negative consequence that is detrimental to your overall health and well-being and you cannot stop or abstain. This may come as feedback from a loved one, a friend, or co-worker. It may come through losing a relationship, job, or license.
We are becoming more and more of an addictive society searching for yet another external element to divert us, entertain us and “feed” our deep existential loneliness and lack of authentic joy and well-being. Addiction is a substitute for real connection to yourself, others and the environment. Addiction attempts to numb you, split you off from, block and resist that which is causing you pain.
What kind of pain you may ask?
Where does this pain come from?
There is much literature available regarding healthy neurological brain development and its connection to emotional and social health and addiction. I highly recommend In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, MD. He is at the forefront of redefining addiction, not as a disease, but as a complex set of factors all contributing to addiction.
I have shared from my experience working with addiction over the last 20 years. It is from my clients that I have learned and integrated this knowledge and wisdom from their experiences into my practice. I am forever grateful and humbled by their courage and tenacity to continue to desire a life of well-being. I intend to elaborate on many of these concepts in future blogs.
As our society grapples with addictions to opioids and forms of technology, we are once again being given the opportunity to re-examine and deepen our understanding of addiction. Addiction is not about weakness or morality; rather it is a subject requiring education, further progressive research and more honesty. Addiction encompasses substances like food, drugs and tobacco. It can also be any behaviors like gambling, consuming, sex, use of technology, work, exercise or constant activity. It is not the frequency or amount. Something can be thought of as an addiction when there is a negative consequence that is detrimental to your overall health and well-being and you cannot stop or abstain. This may come as feedback from a loved one, a friend, or co-worker. It may come through losing a relationship, job, or license.
We are becoming more and more of an addictive society searching for yet another external element to divert us, entertain us and “feed” our deep existential loneliness and lack of authentic joy and well-being. Addiction is a substitute for real connection to yourself, others and the environment. Addiction attempts to numb you, split you off from, block and resist that which is causing you pain.
What kind of pain you may ask?
- Pain from living in unhealthy relationships; first with yourself and then with others and our environment. Earnie Larsen in his book Stage II Recovery ( I highly recommend this as a fabulous resource and introduction into understanding addiction) defines two stages of addiction. The first refers to the breaking of the addiction; the goal being abstinence. The second stage is about transformation and about changing the habits and patterns that led to the addiction. It is about the ability to express and receive love; to function fully in healthy, loving relationships. I define it as welcoming your heart back into your life. It is about allowing all your feelings to exist rather than to spilt off, numb out or distract from them. We are emotional beings. Your feelings uniquely guide you to your inner being, your core, and your essence. Your connection to yourself is your authentic teacher.
Where does this pain come from?
- Pain of unmet needs in childhood related to nutrition, consistent physical security and emotional nurturing. In our culture, we struggle with optimal healthy attachment that creates an emotional hunger that left unconscious remains with us through adulthood. For our brains to develop optimally we need lots of touch, warmth, tenderness and emotional intimacy from a consistently available primary caregiver who is present and in a healthy psychological state.
There is much literature available regarding healthy neurological brain development and its connection to emotional and social health and addiction. I highly recommend In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, MD. He is at the forefront of redefining addiction, not as a disease, but as a complex set of factors all contributing to addiction.
- Pain from a spiritual emptiness that results in a chronic longing for a sense of wholeness, of belonging, of union, of truly feeling “home” with ourselves; of feeling the experience of joy through BEING. I am not speaking of religion, but more of connectedness to all of life. As children we experience ourselves as ‘whole’ and trust our inner voice to guide us. Through many outside factors we lose this connection, this faith and trust in our own inner intelligence. We are born with a great longing for union and unfortunately we may “sell our souls” to avoid being thrown out of the nest. Children will do almost anything to be loved. Books I recommend: The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham, The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary, PhD., The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle and The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zucav.
- Pain from the Refusal to take responsibility for the problems inherent in daily living. Problems exist in day to day living. Much of our suffering comes from the refusal to face conflict, to deal with problems, to take responsibility and to be accountable for our life. We do not have to ‘practice’ suffering; it is inherent in life. People die, change, get sick, etc. We cannot practice this by inviting in suffering. It is best to live life with joy and creativity and know that it is our attitude about the events of the day that influence our joy - not the events themselves.
- Pain from the resisting the call to CHANGE. We are here to grow and expand, to love, to be creative and to follow our heart and soul. Conflict and problems simply alert you to the truth that something is not ‘right;’ something is not working and this awareness scares us and creates a great fear. If you do not respond to this pain of “not ok-ness,” then life will continue to be dynamic and ‘happen’ to you. We are living in a dynamic universe. Astro physicists and scientists in general know that we live in an ever changing universe and that change is always happening. You have more power over how you manifest your reality than you can realize. The only guarantee is that nothing stays the same.
I have shared from my experience working with addiction over the last 20 years. It is from my clients that I have learned and integrated this knowledge and wisdom from their experiences into my practice. I am forever grateful and humbled by their courage and tenacity to continue to desire a life of well-being. I intend to elaborate on many of these concepts in future blogs.
