The Art of Setting Healthy Boundaries
This is a very timely subject as our society grapples with the flood of women self-reporting personal experiences of being violated from sexual misconduct to rape, equal pay, job opportunities and everything in between. Sadly, this abuse of power has been a dynamic for decades.
Skills for setting personal boundaries must be role modeled. Humans learn through experience. Words do not teach. We learn from imitation. Our primary caregivers must live from a strong inner connection themselves. They must be willing to live in their integrity, in touch with their inner joy and belief that life is good and follow their hearts. Healthy boundaries exist to support our authentic self. Our sense of self-worth is mirrored in how we allow ourselves to be treated. Personal boundaries define the quality of life you desire for yourself. A boundary is simply a way we teach people how to treat us. Boundaries are never “against” the other, but rather “for” your sacred self.
Boundaries come from your deepest values and beliefs. A boundary is set to protect your soul; it is not to gain power over others, to criticize others or to cause problems. Boundaries exist to maintain your overall well-being. Openly asserting oneself can create conflicts and exposes who you are. Over the years I have always said you cannot set healthy boundaries and win a popularity contest. Someone will inevitably challenge, ignore or condemn you for how you show up.
Why are boundaries so difficult to assert and often misunderstood?
As children, we were very clear about our boundaries because at birth we are still very connected to our inner self, our Core, our essence. It is both our universal life energy connecting to all life and embodies our unique individuated self. There are many interchangeable words for the concept of an inner self: essence, divine self, non-physical self, soul, higher self, Universal life force, Source or God energy etc. We come in to life filled with light and energy; open to receiving; desiring connection; open to learning and growing. We are spontaneous, trusting and curious. Humans thrive on contact and are “pack animals”. It is very important for each being to feel welcomed and to belong.
Early in life, do to the constraints of society and our parental upbringing out of true dependency; we begin a life long struggle to balance connection and love from others with connection and love for ourselves. Children learn early how to accommodate so as not to be “thrown out of the nest”. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent, shares how rare it is for a child to be seen and supported in their authentic self throughout their upbringing. She states “You are raising a spirit throbbing with its own signature (p.2).” “Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way (p.3).” As children we are ignored, shamed, disrespected, overpowered, directed, and even punished for asserting our true self, for saying NO, for disagreeing, for arguing, for not obeying, for being stubborn. All families, communities and cultures have norms. A norm is a value or belief which is never openly articulated but is so powerful because it is LIVED. In the past and in many strict cultures one can be condemned to death for deviating from the norm.
Reflecting on your own upbringing what messages were you given regarding honoring your inner voice, following your heart, your dreams, trusting life’s unfolding. More important than good grades, SAT scores, or a great resume is the cultivation of character traits like respect and kindness to self and for others, cooperation, compassion, tenacity, resourcefulness and creativity, the ability to problem solve and to self soothe. These are crucial in developing skills to set boundaries, to assert and stay grounded and centered when you are challenged, don’t “fit in”, or feel ridiculed.
Underlying facts regarding boundaries
This is a brief sharing regarding the subject of boundaries. I offer workshops and classes on this topic and welcome any interest you might have in either. I look forward to expanding some of the information I have offered and am always happy to answer any questions.
Skills for setting personal boundaries must be role modeled. Humans learn through experience. Words do not teach. We learn from imitation. Our primary caregivers must live from a strong inner connection themselves. They must be willing to live in their integrity, in touch with their inner joy and belief that life is good and follow their hearts. Healthy boundaries exist to support our authentic self. Our sense of self-worth is mirrored in how we allow ourselves to be treated. Personal boundaries define the quality of life you desire for yourself. A boundary is simply a way we teach people how to treat us. Boundaries are never “against” the other, but rather “for” your sacred self.
Boundaries come from your deepest values and beliefs. A boundary is set to protect your soul; it is not to gain power over others, to criticize others or to cause problems. Boundaries exist to maintain your overall well-being. Openly asserting oneself can create conflicts and exposes who you are. Over the years I have always said you cannot set healthy boundaries and win a popularity contest. Someone will inevitably challenge, ignore or condemn you for how you show up.
Why are boundaries so difficult to assert and often misunderstood?
As children, we were very clear about our boundaries because at birth we are still very connected to our inner self, our Core, our essence. It is both our universal life energy connecting to all life and embodies our unique individuated self. There are many interchangeable words for the concept of an inner self: essence, divine self, non-physical self, soul, higher self, Universal life force, Source or God energy etc. We come in to life filled with light and energy; open to receiving; desiring connection; open to learning and growing. We are spontaneous, trusting and curious. Humans thrive on contact and are “pack animals”. It is very important for each being to feel welcomed and to belong.
Early in life, do to the constraints of society and our parental upbringing out of true dependency; we begin a life long struggle to balance connection and love from others with connection and love for ourselves. Children learn early how to accommodate so as not to be “thrown out of the nest”. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent, shares how rare it is for a child to be seen and supported in their authentic self throughout their upbringing. She states “You are raising a spirit throbbing with its own signature (p.2).” “Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way (p.3).” As children we are ignored, shamed, disrespected, overpowered, directed, and even punished for asserting our true self, for saying NO, for disagreeing, for arguing, for not obeying, for being stubborn. All families, communities and cultures have norms. A norm is a value or belief which is never openly articulated but is so powerful because it is LIVED. In the past and in many strict cultures one can be condemned to death for deviating from the norm.
Reflecting on your own upbringing what messages were you given regarding honoring your inner voice, following your heart, your dreams, trusting life’s unfolding. More important than good grades, SAT scores, or a great resume is the cultivation of character traits like respect and kindness to self and for others, cooperation, compassion, tenacity, resourcefulness and creativity, the ability to problem solve and to self soothe. These are crucial in developing skills to set boundaries, to assert and stay grounded and centered when you are challenged, don’t “fit in”, or feel ridiculed.
Underlying facts regarding boundaries
- Boundaries are not static. Boundaries can change as we grow and change; reflecting the dynamic truth of life
- We can have different boundaries in various situations and within our varied social connections
- There are skills required in setting boundaries as in understanding Assertive communication, how to manage conflict and how to self-soothe/mood management
- We can be over boundaried (rigid) ; or have little to no boundaries
- Negative consequences often result in setting poor boundaries
- The resistance to openly asserting a boundary is usually based in fear, being unclear with your values or low self-worth
- Most all feelings of resentment come from failing to set a boundary; most often blaming someone or something outside yourself instead
- Failing to set a boundary, to stick up for oneself, to be honest with others often leads to self-destructive behaviors and addictions because it is painful to be out of integrity with the authentic self.
- Healthy boundaries require a commitment to developing a deep connection, an intimate relationship with oneself through daily time for quiet self-reflection. Your greatest teacher and guide is your inner voice. This is an ongoing process until our last breath.
- There is no greater “security” in life than being able to trust oneself.
This is a brief sharing regarding the subject of boundaries. I offer workshops and classes on this topic and welcome any interest you might have in either. I look forward to expanding some of the information I have offered and am always happy to answer any questions.
